It is rare to see me do any writing. I’m not good at it. Writing requires a level of wordsmithing which I lack. Even now there are things going inside my mind and heart that I am unable to describe and put into words. But I feel writing this is a way of processing what happened, to heal and move forward. I also pray this would somehow give encouragement to those who need it.
May-Yan and I recently faced a tragic loss. May-Yan was 12.5 weeks pregnant and what started as a normal weekday evening turned into tears and grief.
Everyone will go through loss of a loved one. Some would have been through it more than others to the point grief becomes a familiar face. There is nothing that can fully prepare you for life’s tragedies. I’ve spent my early life delving into the realm of philosophy, tackling difficult philosophical questions, studying branches of philosophy, where, to this day, I have no idea what I had read. Even when I studied Theology, I came out with more questions than answers! There is no training, no amount of studying, no amount of pep talk can ready you for what life can throw at you. In these situations, we must hold tightly to God.
Now, you may be thinking like me, "if God is sovereign why would he allow something like this?!" My response? Well. I could put my theology hat on and say something about how the world is imperfect filled with disasters and diseases. Or because of Adam and Eve, sin entered into the world allowing pain and suffering to happen, and that Jesus will come again restoring all the brokenness in the world.
These are all viable answers. But they don't offer comfort during this time, at least not for me.
Part of my grief is on the life that could have been. I suspect this is a common feeling for those who have felt the sharp sting of loss (I also include other types of loss e.g. loss of an opportunity, job loss, etc.). You can experience a whole range of emotions; from sadness, to anger, to resentment, and more – and that is okay. For me, I grieve over the fact I won't get to see my baby's first step, first words, first smile. Because of that, May-Yan and I are sad over the future we will no longer have with our baby.
It is so easy to keep these feelings to ourselves; to curl up into a ball and shut us from everything. I think in these raw moments we need to tell God exactly how we feel – something I am learning to do. The Psalm is a book filled with wonderful praises to God. It is also a book full of grief and raw moments of “how could this happen, Lord?!” I could say many things but one thing I will say is that God draws near to the broken-hearted and He will meet us in these moments. It is a pattern we see in these pain-filled psalms as it often ends in the psalmist giving thanks and praising God.
“Every cloud has a silver lining” an idiom we are familiar with. It means to look for the positive in bad situations. The Bible offers something similar but infinitely better. God gives us a reality which we can stand on as our firm foundation. It is one of hope. It is one of peace. And it is especially one of love. Joy can still be found in these difficult times. May-Yan and I are so thankful for the joy baby has given us. Even in the darkest moment on the night we lost our child, we thank God we got to hold our baby in the palms of our hands. We thank God baby did not experience the darkness this world can bring and is now in His presence. We thank God for the people supporting us. We thank God we felt His supernatural peace over us, and, as devastating as this was, we knew deep down this would not rob us of the hope that we have. Could this be what the Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 about not grieving like the rest of the world but having hope?
I won't have the answers to all my questions. Especially why this had to happen. And that is okay. But I will have them when my time in this world comes to an end, and I come before King Jesus worshipping Him alongside my baby.